Hope Is Hard To Find
by obsessedStuck
Summary: When all hope is lost and all you just want everything to end what's stopping you?


Game Over.

Finished.

Won.

The results: a new world.

A world where troll and humans live together as if it was always the case. A modern world with a modern life. That was the fate of the players.

It was fine. It was calm and comforting for Karkat knowing that his friends and life were no longer in danger. They could live freely with the humans in peace and comfort without the hazardous worries of that wretched game no more. It was nice having this routine life while hanging out with friends every now and then. This 'school' thing was nice too where everyone could learn together. Mixing the two cultures was probably one of the greatest things that had happened to them. Sure it was a little confusing at times but things eventually worked out in the end.

It was just a nice sunny day when Karkat was heading home from the game shop with Sollux. They parted ways and the Cancer waited at the nearly empty platform for the last train of the day home. With his earphones in blasting music he casually looked around as he waited. A man stood to his far left tapping his foot and glancing at his watch every now and then as if he was late for something. A mother sitting with her daughter patiently waiting behind him. Some guy sleeping on the bench at the far end. A troll just staring in the distance to his right.

The troll was familiar with that purple streak in his dark hair and those ridiculous large glasses. Karkat took off his earphones and wondered if he should start a conversation or not. The Aquarius had been quiet lately in class. Usually he tried to butt into conversations or be the center of attention but for the past week he just sat silently to the side and didn't bother speaking to anyone. Karkat recalled Feferi talking to him being concerned about the sea troll.

The sound of the train arriving caught the troll's attention and he took a step back from the safety line. He usually stayed right before it and the conductor always rung his bell at him. This time he was far enough and the conductor shouldn't have rung his bell but he did anyways. Was he just doing it to piss him off? That's what he thought until he saw movement to his right and found Eridan on top of the yellow warning line before tentatively raising a foot as if he was about to step out.

Instinctively the Cancer ran towards him and pulled him back right before the train zoomed by. The sea troll looked at him completely shocked, "K-Kar?"

"WHAT THE H-" he stopped himself when the train stopped and decided to just drag the sea troll onto it with him. Hoping that the conductor wouldn't come out to yell at them he sat Eridan down and then took the seat beside him. Soon the train took off. The sea troll stayed silent during the entire ride.

Usually Eridan got off a few stops after Karkat but this time he was dragged off with Karkat at the Cancer's stop before being brought to the smaller troll's home. Karkat never let go of the sea troll's arm as he pulled him into his home and shoved him into the living room before going back to lock the door. When the Cancer went back to the living room he found the sea troll just standing there looking down at the ground. It pissed Karkat off. So he punched him in the face.

Eridan fell back with a thud. His bag was dropped and his glasses went askew but he didn't do anything but place a hand over his cheek. He should have shouted at him for abruptly taking him to his house, for not explaining anything, for hitting him. He should have demanded explanation like he always did. But he didn't. He just sat there looking stupidly depressed and silent.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHY WOULD YOU GO AND DO THAT? WHY AREN'T YOU YELLING BACK AT ME? ARE YOU INSANE YOU COULD HAVE DIED!"

"That wwas sort of the point Kar," he replied casually and it made Karkat's voice catch in his throat, "There's no point in yellin' anymore. It doesn't do a thing anywways."

"Wh- What the hell? What are you talking about? Why would you . . ."

A small smile appeared on his face before he broke out into hysterical laughter, "There's no reason for me to be livvin' Kar! I realized this. I don't evven understand wwhy I wwas brought back to life wwith evveryone else after wwhat I did durin' that stupid game."

"You played the game with us that's why. You were a player. You were one of the keys to beat the game. We all were."

"I KILLED FEFERI AND KANAYA AND I ALMOST KILLED SOLLUX. I DESTROYED THE MATRIORB AND PRACTICALLY ENDED ALL OF TROLL KIND. I DIDN'T BEAT THE GAME YOU DID," his shout startled Karkat, "There's no reason for me to be here at all. I just get in evveryone's wway and annoy them all so wwhat's the point? It wwould havve been better if I wwasn't revvivved at all. I should havve stayed dead or nevver existed in the first place. Maybe less of us wwould havve died and it wwouldn't havve been so hard to beat."

"You're not the only one that killed someone! Vriska killed Tavros! Gamzee killed Nepeta and Equius! Terezi killed Vriska! We're all living here because the end of the game was supposed to be our second chance at another life!"

"Yeah but unlike me they all had their uses. I didn't do anythin' but cause trouble."

Karkat grit his teeth before walking over to Eridan and grabbing the collar of his shirt, "Forget about the past now! We're in this new world now and so that means a new life."

"A neww life of wwhat? Of livvin' as some bein' that no one evven likes? The one that evveryone despises ? The one that no one wwants to be near? I'm just some extra body in this wworld. An annoyin' one. It wwould be better if I wwas just gone."

"No it wouldn't! Why would you just throw away your life like that? Feferi would care. She's has been wanting to have your moirallegence brought back. Sollux may like to argue with you and tease you all the time but he'd be upset too if you did something stupid like this. Are you just going to leave us all like this and let Vriska continue lying to everyone about how weak you were?"

"She wwouldn't be lyin'. I wwas wweak and I still am. Fef can find a better moirail than me. Wwith me gone I'd be one less annoyance to Sol. They'd all be better wwithout me. Evveryone evven you."

"Stop it! Stop talking like that! Why do you keep saying that!"

"Because it's true! I shouldn't havve been givven this second chance. I shouldn't be here at all. I'm stuck in a dark and deep hole and I can't get out. It seems like the more I try to do somethin' it just ends up wwith me digging my hole evven deeper and harder to escape from. So wwhat's the point? The only wway for me to leavve is to end evverythin' for myself. You don't understand howw I feel at all so just back the fuck off Karkat."

Karkat's look softened before he sat down and looked away, "You think I don't know how you feel?"

Eridan stayed sitting on the floor but watched Karkat's expression change.

"You think I don't know what it feels to hate yourself so much that you think that you're better off gone? You think I don't know the horror of ruining practically everything and wishing that you hadn't done any of it or even existed for any of it to happen? Eridan I gave the human's session fucking cancer. I was the one that practically doomed them! Us! Because I messed up their session I messed ours up too which made us get thrown away from our prize. I'm the biggest fuck up of them all!" the shorter troll paused for a moment to calm himself and continued in a gentler tone, "I know that feeling of being stuck in that deep dark hole and digging further. I know how it feels when you're stuck there alone and afraid and unsure of what to do next because you fear that whatever you do will just make things worse. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get out."

The sea troll looked down.

"But I am not making this a 'guess what I was more depressed than you' contest. That isn't the point."

"Wwhat do you mean by wwas?" he looked back up a tiny bit.

"There you're getting the point," Karkat brushed his hand through his hair before leaning back with a sigh, "The point is, sometimes there will be a hand trying to reach down to help you, or rope, or ladder, pick your metaphor. The thing is you have to grab it. Even if there's only one thing or person trying to help you out of that hole you have to go for it. You don't help yourself if you push it away. There are people out there willing to forgive your actions. Even if it's just one that's better than none and you fucking take it. Wallowing in despair on your own and pushing people away is what shoves you down that hole that's soon to be buried. You don't want to be buried, you want to get out of that goddamned hole as fast as you can. One strand of light is all it takes to help you, but you. Have. To. Take. It. I was in that hole and now I'm sort of out. Sure I still have those moments where I wonder why I'm still breathing but there are people around me who are reminding me why. There is a life here to live Eridan and I'm living it. A world where we don't have to worry about that stupid game and live in peace with our friends is a lot more than what we could ever ask for so we might as well enjoy it to the fullest."

"But what if there is no-"

"THERE IS YOU STUPID PIECE OF-" Karkat stopped himself again and took in a deep breath, "There is. And there's more than one. I forgive you. Feferi does. Sollux appears not to give a crap but he would have probably thought a lot less of you if you did die. Kanaya forgives you. Everyone else forgives your actions. Not like you killed the rest. No one cares about your past mistakes. All of us have done something we regretted. You're not the only one who was a piece of shit during that game. It's over now so we are literally cleaning all of our slates brand fucking new and starting over. Go be that pompous asshole Sollux thinks you are and show him you are going to live the way you want because we all deserve it for going through what we did."

"That sounds great and all Kar but there's not much motivvation for me. You're barely evven my friends. I wwas rude to most, killed some, wwanted most of you dead. I don't think any of you see me as a friend either."

Karkat crossed his arms in irritation, "I see you as . . . a friend. So does Feferi. Kanaya can probably forgive you for what happened considering she got you back and as long as you don't be a complete asshole towards her she can be friends with you too. Rose likes wizards too you could probably end up being friends with her. John likes being friends with everybody. You just have to try and put effort into making friends or amends. Don't give up right from the start you idiot."

". . . You really think I deservve to start ovver wwith the rest of you?"

"That's why everyone was brought back. Vriska was nasty too, Gamzee went crazy, they were given chances and they're taking it so you have to take it too," Karkat slipped off the couch and knelt in front of Eridan to get to eye level, "And I am going to make damn sure that you are taking it."

"Alright okay. I'll . . . try."

"And . . . If it helps, I can find a way to give you more motivation. If you ever start feeling shitty again," Karkat looked away for once which piqued Eridan's interest.

"Another wway to givve me motivvation evven more than a lecture that you wwill continuously drill into me until I get it? Wwhat in this neww wworld could that possibly be?" Eridan raised a brow in curiosity but his expression changed to wide eyes when he saw the slight red appearing on the smaller troll's face, "Kar. Are you flushed for me?"

Karkat's head snapped forward and his blush grew brighter, "Well who the fuck else can resist pitying someone like you in this dumb as hell state? It's so god damn pitiful since it's pretty close to the state I was in before. No wait fuck never mind what I said," he got up and turned around, "I said motivation for next time you feel like killing yourself. I didn't say now. Fuck no that's not what I meant to say. So uh yeah don't go trying to kill yourself again just come to me first. I'm not planning to be your moirail but I uh . . ."

Eridan finally smiled for the first time since the visit. He stood up, hugged Karkat from behind and rested his forehead on his shoulder, "That's plenty of motivvation. Thanks. So does this make us-"

"NO. You go make amends with the others and make friends first then come talk to me," Karkat shoved Eridan off and took a few steps forward to make some distance between them, "And just because you found out doesn't mean that's an immediate yes. You still have to build up a lot of your social life before we can get anywhere."

"Okay," Eridan picked up his bag and headed towards the door, "Thanks Kar. A lot."

"Yeah well I know you'll be back soon. Unfortunately," Karkat walked the sea troll to the door, "But seriously just come find me when you need me. No more idiotic moves like back there ever again are we clear?"

"Wwe're clear," Eridan stood there at the door unsure of what to do next even though it was obvious.

"You're going to have to work hard but things will get better okay?" the Cancer watched the Aquarius nod before he quickly gave him a peck on the cheek, "So see you tomorrow."

The sea troll blinked, "Uh y-yeah, right, tomorroww, see you."

"Bye," Karkat quickly closed the door and leaned on it as he felt his face heat up, "It's going to be a lot of work to take care of that idiot."


End file.
